Parallels

I often find myself living between the realities of joy and grief. My son’s birth and my mom’s passing– just 1.5 weeks apart– revealed so many parallels between life and death . These jumbled thoughts are a glimpse of my headspace in the early weeks of Evan’s life and even now, especially during milestones…

• the hospital where my mom passed away was where Evan was born– returning so soon for an entirely different reason felt surreal
• Leaving this same hospital without my mom.. and then leaving the hospital with Evan in my arms..
• Closing Mom’s accounts with her death certificate while opening Evan’s with his birth certificate
• Walking past Mom’s room to get to Evan’s
• Printing Mom’s photo for her memorial… and taking Evan’s newborn photos

Daily reminders of life and death surrounded me:

• Many of Evan’s practical needs— cotton balls, tissues, blankets, charging cables, you name it— were found in my Mom’s room, almost as if she was still taking care of us
• Receiving hospital bills for Mom’s last days while also being billed for Evan’s first
• Cancelling Mom’s insurance plan while adding Evan to mine
• Donating Mom’s clothes as I filled Evan’s closet with hand-me-downs
• Mom’s scent fading, replaced by Evan’s– milk and baby lotion
• Her bathroom now Evan’s
• Her new drawers that she never used, now storing Evan’s things

Their rooms, their closets are mirror images (both literally and figuratively) of lift and death. Like two sides of the same coin.

These parallels shook me to my core, but I now find comfort in how Mom and Evan are interwoven in these moments.

Happy best birthday to me.. because I get to be Evan’s mom

Happy hardest birthday to me.. because I can’t thank my mom for giving birth to me