New Year, No Mom

This new year began with a mix emotions. I feel like I do my best to get through the actual day, keeping busy with whatever plans I’ve made, and it usually feels… okay. Sometimes, it’s even more than okay– it’s nice. But then, when life gets quieter, the grief strikes again.

It’s the first new year where mom does not exist. There are no traces of her here, and it feels like we’re moving on without her, leaving her behind in 2024. That thought cuts so deeply. It feels like I’m moving on with life. even if I know it’s not a choice but a reality. Life continues as long as I’m breathing– especially now, as I watch my son grow a little more each day. It hurts so badly knowing my mom won’t be part of any of it.

Yesterday, I had to get gas after church and I found the nearest gas station, which I eventually realized was the one across from my mom’s old apartment. The tears starting coming down as soon as I started heading in that direction.

I couldn’t help but think..
What if my mom still lived here?
What if she had never moved out? Would she still be around?

I know it’s probably not helpful to think this way, but sometimes, you keep playing this impossible game of “what-ifs.” Grief has no logic, and in moments like this, it reminds me just how deeply I miss her.

I’m especially dreading my upcoming birthday. I’ve already cried thinking about it.