Joy + Grief

Where do I begin on this topic?

The pain I feel from losing my mom is deep and indescribable. She was such a constant in my life—maybe too much so. I always knew she’d be there. She was home when I needed her, always ready to pick up my calls, and willing to help whenever I asked.

Alongside this profound pain, which I presume is grief, I feel immense joy from my son’s existence. He doesn’t have to do anything special—just being here fills me with a joy like nothing else. His smiles, giggles, and even his poops (just me?) make me so happy.

My mind is constantly shifting between these two emotions. At times, I feel guilty for leaning into one more than the other. Mostly, I feel guilt toward my son if I cry or feel sad too often. I don’t want him to be affected by my grief, even though I know it’s a natural part of healing. At times, I feel guilt toward my mom, wondering if I am not grieving enough.

There are moments when I cry constantly. Then, there are stretches when I don’t cry at all, and I think to myself, “I must be done grieving.” But just as quickly, a wave of grief hits me unexpectedly, and I realize grief is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. It will never be the same because my mom is no longer with me. The absence of my mom is grief. The void of my mom is where grief resides. Her passing is where this grief began—just as the birth of my son is where this new joy began. I live each day in between these realities.